I'll tell you a few things about being pregnant.
1. Chicken is a dead bird.
That's right. Turkey is dead bird. And duck/goose/cornish game hen/quail are dead birds. But mostly chicken is a dead bird. Would you eat a dead bird? If one hit your livingroom window and fell twitching to the ground, would you go out on your lawn, pluck the thing, cook it up and take a bite? Someone has done the nasty preparation bits for you in the case of most chicken available in Canada, but I tell you, people: chicken is a dead bird. Not for eating. Don't make me.
2. Other kinds of meat are just food.
Yes. It's not a vegetarian household we're running here, no sir. Beef, lamb, and even the pre-pregnancy tabooed pork are all just food, my friends. Nothing to fear. Hot dogs? Previously thought to be recycled phone books, these 'meat' products are beautiful things. (Particularly with processed cheese slices melted on top. Yum, processed cheez.)
3. There's a baby in there.
When I took the first pregnancy test back in July and it came back negative, I had a giant temper tantrum. Mostly I was incredibly pissed at myself for what was, I thought, a psychosomatic sensation of stuff goin' on - this time for SURE! in the uterus region that I'd been feeling for a while. In truth, I didn't dream it up - I just hadn't waited long enough to read the results (x = the elapsed time needed in this instance to allow test to finish titrating; in this case x = length of Ashley's post-test-reading temper tantrum). People and books will tell you that you won't be feeling anything until about 20 weeks, but I don't know... at around 4:45-5:30am most mornings there's a tiny dance party going on down there.
4. Boy you sure have to pee all the time, everyone's sure right about that!
All the time. All. the. time. Allthetime.
5. Somebody better bring a swing-o-matic to the shower, or the kid'll grow up a monkey.
4 September, 2004. Phone call between Calgary and Nakusp. We join the conversation in progress...
Mom: I really think the swing-o-matic is essential. Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, ruh-ruh, ruh-ruh. It's the only thing that keeps a mother sane. I have no idea what women who don't have swing-o-matics do. ... You know how it works, don't you? You strap the kid in there, and it's about the only time you get any peace. It's the time you crowbar into your life to do those small things that you must have in your life: the minutes you use to wipe your hands off, to brush your hair... to have a moment to yourself to stare off into space and recover your personality, the time to have a bowel movement, floss your teeth... just for a minute... you know, to go off and have intercourse. Those moments, those desperate moments you NEED or you'll go totally mad. ... And the kids are swinging back and forth, ruh-ruh, ruh-ruh, ruh-ruh, totally blissed in the swing-o-matic: perfect.
A: Uh, I think they had a study a few years ago that showed that those things were sort of dangerous for kids...? Something, I think the design was unsafe? The clicking...? ...or the chair part? Something, I think.
M: Nonsense. I raised three kids in the swing-o-matics and there's not a thing wrong with you people. ...Most scientists don't have enough brains - [Finds the joke in her repertoire] if brains were dynamite they wouldn't have enough to blow their nose! [Pause. Pleased with herself, looks around and waits for appreciation of the funny. None comes. She shrugs: unappreciative philistines, all of you.] Okay, now lissen to me, kid: anyone who would publish a study like that clearly didn't have any kids of their own. These childless people studying harmless plastic swings just to make parents' lives more difficult. No swing-o-matic, what horseshit.
[Pause.] ...And I believe in the chimpanzees... you know...? [Silence, Ashley doesn't know what Mom is talking about.] The chimpanzees. They studied them, do you know that study?
A: [No answer. Of course she's not heard of some random chimpanzee study. She waits.]
M: [Warming to the explanation.] They raised one set of chimpanzees in a zoo setting. And they raised one set in the jungle where they swung from tree to tree. And they let them grow up, and then they killed them all, and sliced them open and studied their brains. Doooo you know what they found?
A: I can't imagine. ...They killed them?
M: Yes. They fooooouuuuuund that the fissures in the brain, the grooves, were deeper in the chimpanzees that swung from tree to tree. And since that time - that study was years ago - it's been shown beyond a shadow of a doubt that more intelligent people have deeper brain fissures than unintelligent people.
A: Uh huh. The fissures.
M: ...And that comes from the swinging from tree to tree. You see? [Makes the logic leap to connect the dots to the swing-o-matic:] ... So I firmly believe in the swing-o-matic to produce an intelligent child.
A: ...I thought it was about having time to have a bowel movement.
M: [Ignoring, plowing on.] You need the swing-o-matic to get the kid more intelligent. Give it a head start in its brain.
A: So you believe in the chimpanzee study, but you don't believe in the swing-o-matic product fault study.
M: [The “why doesn't anyone listen to me?“ voice:] It's true! It's been proved!
And 7. Gum's making a comeback in my life.
By gum.
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